Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Sometimes, trying to adjust to the subtleties of a new culture and language can result in sheer hilarity. Other times, it’s extreme frustration. The following is a shortlist of the 4 most aggravating (albeit minor) everyday life experiences here that are just a little too far away from my usual patience or comfort level to be considered ‘interesting.’

1) The Traffic Lights Take Too Damn Long
Coming from Montreal where jaywalking and a general disrespect for traffic laws of any nature reign supreme, this aspect of my Korean life is extremely frustrating. I am one of the most impatient people you will ever meet. (This becomes a downright hilarious character trait when you consider I work with young children, but I will address that in a future post). Accordingly, I hate having to waste my (admittedly not-so precious) time waiting for mundane things like passing vehicles. The average red light wait time for a pedestrian here is over 2 minutes which, if you’re me, is forever. However, everyone here tends to drive like a maniac and people usually treat red lights as little more than yield signs, breezing through them smoother than a Québecois stop sign. To save from becoming the next sidewalk stain, then, I am forced to wait out the duration of each eternal red man in impatient, neck-vein-throbbing agony.

2) The Beer is Terrible
I must first admit that I drink a lot more beer here than I normally do at home (admittedly already a fairly large amount). I can assure you, though, that this increase in consumption stems solely from the fact that it is disgustingly cheap and is in no means a head nod to the fine proprietors of South Korean macrobrews. It’s so bad that the leading brand – Cass – has marketed itself as having (or perhaps being the emobodiment of, I’m not sure which) the “sound of vitality.” When a beverage markets itself on an entirely different freakin’ SENSE, you know it can’t be good. The other competitors, Hite and OB Blue, have decided that their product is so terrible that it can be packaged in soulless, rotund, misshapen 1-litre plastic resealable bottles and nobody will notice the difference. What’s better than a day old beer after you’ve popped the top back on her because you just couldn’t finish those last 200mls last night, right?

Just how bad is it? Well, first, think of American beer. I know, right? OK now imagine that you added a little more water, took away a little bit of alcohol, and added a little bit more carbonation. So now you have a lightly beer-flavoured carbonated ass beverage. I know, right? OK now picture the vats at the brewery spilling all over the men’s room floor and the janitor ringing the mop of this new mixture back into the vats shortly before bottling. Am I making my point?

At least it’s cheap.


3) There Aren’t Any Grains
Unless you count the vile (likely synthetic) hops passing for grain in a plastic bottle of Hite, there are no grains (or indeed grain products) to be found in Korea save for the starchiest of white rice. I finally located a pseudo-grained product at the chain bakery Paris Baguette, but this was more like a loaf of Wonder Bread with the odd flax seed shoved inside than a true loaf of what I consider actual bread. Sure there’s the odd sandwich about, but everything here is made on stuff so bleached, sweet, and unhealthy, it would actually make Wonder Bread look like pumpernickel. As a result of these options my white rice consumption – and accordingly the flab around my midsection – has increased significantly; empty carbs are cheaper and more ubiquitous than a frosty pint of Cass in these parts. On second thought, the beer increase is likely where half the gut is coming from.

4) The Air Quality is On Par with Chernobyl
Feeling flabby and out of shape from the abovementioned factors, I recently made the horrible mistake of going for a jog outside to explore my new city from a running perspective. This was all well and good at the time and indeed I enjoyed my athletic jaunt in the crisp spring air for at least a few hours afterward.

Then came the wheezing. Then the coughing, then the phlegm, then the sore throat. Upon admitting what I had done to my coworkers the next day they all chastised me for having been so reckless with my health. Indeed, how could you even dream of expending energy... outside? It didn’t take me long to realise there was a strong correlation between the nasty gray sky I talked about earlier, the influx of springtime Yellow Dust I also mentioned, and that nasty feeling in my head, throat, and entire respiratory tract.

The next day I came down with a vicious cold that I still have not fully gotten over. I attribute the cause of this cold mostly to my ill-planned run in the poison air, although working in a small school is probably a main contributor as well. There are hundreds of little kids at my school who, while some wear sani-masks outside of class to appease their parents, have not actually been taught the germ theory of disease yet in any great depth. These kids will literally cough in your face from point-blank range and absent-mindedly rub their snot-covered fingers on your bare skin in an attempt to get your attention (twice now); I’m guessing my immune system just wasn’t up for the challenge.

Kids aside, the putrid air also has its other drawbacks. In addition to the wheezing, my complexion is probably the worst it has been since grade 11 when I was at the apex of my awkward pimple-ridden pubescence. All told, I would probably have to say it is the consistent inability to breathe properly or exercise at all in the great outdoors here that has been the biggest bane of my life in Korea.


Yes, I can be complainy and bitter at times. If these 4 things are the most frustrating I have to complain about, though, then really – I’m doing pretty well.